Thursday, March 22, 2007

TAKE ME AS I AM

A friend of mine was in need of some advice with regards to her boyfriend. The problem was that about two months into the relationship he started complaining about various aspects of her character, behavior and appearance. He told her that she should drink less, give up smoking, stop swearing and lose some weight. I listened with growing indignation to this list of so called faults all of which were part of the girl I know and love without reservation.

I then gave her the following advice: Invite Mr.Whinger round for dinner. Serve a 5 course meal. Don’t forget to have an aperitif beforehand and serve a different bottle of wine with each course. Smoke between courses being sure to use your plate as an ashtray. Don’t forget to pepper the conversation liberally with unrepeatable expletives and dirty jokes. Finish off with a large brandy, don’t forget the cigar. THEN TELL THE BASTARD TO FUCK OFF! If he is in any doubt as to your intentions at this point a little music may help as you waltz him to the door, how about “Take your tongue out of my mouth I’m kissing you goodbye.”Don’t forget to slam the door once he is safely on the other side.

12 comments:

Queenie said...

I will remember that advise, should I ever need it. Don't you think a more direct approach would be better, hee hee...

puerileuwaite said...

That's it. I'm changing my panhandling sign to: "Will CRITICIZE for food".

cathy said...

queenie - remember NO FUCKWITTAGE,
wish I could take my own advice.
pw - first you need a shorter name:) second are you going for a world record on your St pat's day post, I'm going to be the 999,999 visiter who wins a prize.

Serena Joy said...

LOL. I hope she took your advice.

ann said...

Have you considered a change in career... agony aunt... LOL

cathy said...

ann. I could call my page cathy declares:)

Pixie said...

AWESOME.

I'm coming to you next time.

cathy said...

pixie - I'm all ears!

JoJo said...

I love it! Perfect advice!!! I hope she took it.

Cazzie!!! said...

That is the BEST ADVICE I ever heard a friend give another..I will remember this, because there os always some asshat that is out there to try change a person. They have gotta know that oncve you are married or together for a long time that old traits often return and why change for someone if they aren't willing to change.
Have you thought of writing a script for a funny play...this would be perfect as a short movie!!

Top cat said...

just what every woman needs, a Dr Doolittle who can mold his little woman into his very own Stepford wife.
What a nerd!
Good advice but you were a bit soft on him..lol
I think she should've made her own little list to show mr perfect he was lacking in every department and most likely in his "manhood" packaging as well.
tc
now I'm irritated.):

cathy said...

My mum said she wouldn't have wasted money on feeding him. That must be were I get it fromLOL.