A friend of mine was in need of some advice with regards to her boyfriend. The problem was that about two months into the relationship he started complaining about various aspects of her character, behavior and appearance. He told her that she should drink less, give up smoking, stop swearing and lose some weight. I listened with growing indignation to this list of so called faults all of which were part of the girl I know and love without reservation.
I then gave her the following advice: Invite Mr.Whinger round for dinner. Serve a 5 course meal. Don’t forget to have an aperitif beforehand and serve a different bottle of wine with each course. Smoke between courses being sure to use your plate as an ashtray. Don’t forget to pepper the conversation liberally with unrepeatable expletives and dirty jokes. Finish off with a large brandy, don’t forget the cigar. THEN TELL THE BASTARD TO FUCK OFF! If he is in any doubt as to your intentions at this point a little music may help as you waltz him to the door, how about “Take your tongue out of my mouth I’m kissing you goodbye.”Don’t forget to slam the door once he is safely on the other side.