Saturday, March 31, 2007
List four sentences you've never said before:...
1. It’s your turn to use the PC.
2. Let me clean your shoes.
3. Not tonight, I’ve got a headache.
4. Let’s watch football.
List any number of song titles that describe how you’ve felt this week:
1. One Silver Dollar
2. Everything Fades Away
3. Don’t Cry Sister
4. Walking on sunshine.
5. Here Comes The Rain Again
Imagine you’re having the ideal perfect day. What four things would you be doing?
1. Enjoying an outing with friends and family
2. Eating, drinking and chatting with friends.
3. Dancing the night away ‘til the wee hours
4. Spooning and forking.
Make up five creative names for a new rock band:
1. Sticky Tongue and the Honey Pots
2. Filofax and The Ringbinders
3. Brainy Bitch and The Blogland Band
4. Scuffle in the Bathroom.
5. The Satin Strings
Congratulations! You get to go back in time and ensure that three songs were never written, thus sparing humanity from ever having to hear them. What three songs would get the axe?
2. What’s a Woman Without a Man
3. Telephone Man
If anyone else does this meme, let me know. I would love to see your answers.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Some stayed for coffee, others scuttled shyly away.
We added music to the mix
and one danced in gifting us her joy.
When they left they had filled their hearts
by emptying their pockets.
And contentment danced down the road with them
showing them the way
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I’ve got a new swear word and spell check doesn’t like it. Spell check can bog off and I don’t give a blob how many flogging red squiggly lines it puts under my Clogging bad language. As you can see from this little experiment you can’t trust logging spell check to deal with Bolger all.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
What an exquisite and intricate organ is the mind of mankind. We developed the ability to communicate through spoken language in order to express our thoughts to each other, to communicate ideas precisely, which means nicely. On average people use a lexicon of 50,000 words to facilitate this function. About 50% of everything that we say or write in the English language will utilize only 100 words and yet we have created a vocabulary encompassing millions of expressions. To what purpose?
We want to play. Whatever you want to call your favoured form of mental gymnastics, whether it be as high faluting as philosophy as base as innuendo or as simple as word association, we all participate in the game at some level, some of us at every level.
What dizzying heights of convolution will we reach then with our high tech toys, our internet intimacies with faceless friends? You are some of the nicest people I have never met. Or are you? At its best blogging opens the door to the formation of friendship based on a level of honesty impossible to achieve anywhere else. Who am I if not my thoughts and ideas? The need for duplicity is destroyed, what use is a mask when your face cannot be seen. You cannot judge on appearances when you are blinded by the light. In years to come will we say love at first insight?
Are you a cryptic witch? You ask
And I hasten to reply.
What else would you have me be?
When I’m writing in the sky.
A mystical minx? Maybe.
An incomprehensible siren?
A secretive sorceress perhaps
Or a recondite beldam
I am all and none of these.
Which witch would you like?
I aim to please.
But whether it’s your or my gratification,
That provides the impetus for my oration
I will leave in the air to enhance the titillation.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Does spooning lead to forking,or would you rather fork first and then spoon the night away?
Sunday, March 25, 2007
I am crying
To harsh words
He turns his back
Father is leaving
I told my friend
Of this sad end
Now neighbors peeping
See mother weeping
She slaps my face
Completes my disgrace
I take the blame
I’m filled with shame
If I’d been a good girl
They would have loved me.
I’m feeling sad today as my brother is going to be offline for a couple of weeks and I won’t be able to chat with him for a while. Maybe it is this sadness combined with the feelings of loss and fear that I experienced last week when my daughter was missing that have brought some old memories to the surface resulting in this poem.
The feelings I express here are those of the child. My mother went on to raise four children without the support of their father.
Friday, March 23, 2007
She walked over to her husband,who was sitting
Drawing back she watched as he stared at her in sticky amazement.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
I then gave her the following advice: Invite Mr.Whinger round for dinner. Serve a 5 course meal. Don’t forget to have an aperitif beforehand and serve a different bottle of wine with each course. Smoke between courses being sure to use your plate as an ashtray. Don’t forget to pepper the conversation liberally with unrepeatable expletives and dirty jokes. Finish off with a large brandy, don’t forget the cigar. THEN TELL THE BASTARD TO FUCK OFF! If he is in any doubt as to your intentions at this point a little music may help as you waltz him to the door, how about “Take your tongue out of my mouth I’m kissing you goodbye.”Don’t forget to slam the door once he is safely on the other side.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
Please remove them.
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension xxxx between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.Elaine CarmenHousekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.
Thank you,Elaine Carmen,Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
Dear Mr.. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. KensedderAssistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Dear Mr.. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr.. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Dear Mrs.. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
Monday, March 19, 2007
On the day in question I was in the company of a large group of friends and colleagues from the ship and we had gone to the Sloppy Bar for a few beers and a spot of incidental lunch. At some point in the proceedings I found it necessary to perform the ritual “breaking the seal” which is the bane of all beer drinkers. I set off on the long and tedious trek to the bathroom taking a last swig of my drink to keep me from becoming dehydrated on the way and promising my jolly pink faced friends that I would return as speedily as possible.
Ablutions duly completed I returned to the bar to resume the serious business of synchronized supping. Unfortunately the room had suffered some sort of tardis effect and now appeared much bigger than it had been only moments earlier. I scanned the room looking for someone either vaguely familiar or without a moustache and was gratified to spot a blonde mop of hair protruding from behind a monster pot of guacamole. Fixing my eyes on this Arian landmark I set out across the room like a blinkered donkey chasing a proverbial carrot. My friends soon became much easier to spot as they all jumped up and started waving and pointing in my direction. Needless to say my inebriated heart swelled with affection at this touching display of
friendly concern and I redoubled my efforts to rejoin them at speed. By the time I got to the table they were all shouting at once though not in jocular encouragement so much as stunned disbelief.
This is what happened; during my absence a fight had broken out between two local miscreants and they had both drawn knives and started waving and jabbing them at each other presumably as a prelude to a bit of nasty stabby stuff. It was at this point that Mrs. Magoo (me) made her appearance and eyes fixed on aforementioned blonde buddy walked completely oblivious right between the two blades. At which point the astounded Knife wielders lowered their weapons in astonishment affording the bar’s bouncers an opportunity to grab them and hustle them outside and out of sight. I cannot therefore say with any authority what they did next but I would like to think that they wandered away discussing the incident in amazement and becoming firm friends on the strength of it. After all who would believe a story like that unless it was backed up by a witness?
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of Vodka, my Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 litres of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider, a large reefer and some cheese. You have no idea how freaking good I feel....
My big sister sent me this. I have always valued her advice so I thought it would be a good idea to share it with you.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
A Mother must make sacrifices for her children.
So another Saturday afternoon is swallowed whole
by a birthday party for short noisy people.
Greetings made coats deposited in the ubiquitous heap
on the bed. I am offered a drink (will it be coffee or
orange juice).” Whisky and coke! That will do
nicely,” I smile.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
It tastes like toothache.
Accompanied by the petrification of internal organs.
My boulder lungs cannot draw breath
The pebbles in my throat make speech impossible.
My heart, a granite slab
My brain shatters
A million pieces of gravel
Incapable of coherent thought.
Returning from work this evening I was greeted by
my mother in law. She was standing in the street with
tears rolling down her cheeks. My youngest daughter
Maria was missing along with her grandfather. He was
supposed to have taken her to a ballet lesson but never
arrived. When my husband went to pick her up an hour
later the drama started. My husband were already scouring
the neighborhood twenty minutes later when I arrived home.
I started making phone calls. First the ambulance service, no
accidents had been reported in our area, local police via a
friend who is a policeman. Then I went to the nearby bus
station as my daughter is fond of buses. I thought if they had
taken a ride someone may remember seeing them. On my way
home I passed the church it didn’t occur to me to go inside
but I dropped some coins into a beggar’s hand as I passed.
Looking up I saw my mother in law coming towards me and I
Felt as if my whole body was being squeezed in a diabolical vice.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
THE FAIRSTAR. Fairstar the Fun ship to be precise. Unlike
other ships of this type the Fairstar was not full of wrinkly folk
who thought that eating a bowl of soup without dropping the
spoon was a major achievement. On the contrary, it was full of
lovely lasses and young fella me lads looking for a good time.
Just to make this tale even more enthralling the aforementioned
merrymakers also happened to be Australian!!!
These folks made America’s spring break look like a kindergarten
picnic at nap time. I swear to (insert deity of your choice) that I
met women on that ship who could trip a man up from behind and
lie down underneath him before he fell, FAIR DINKUM!
We spread the fun around, never before have
gamblers enjoyed losing their money so much.
This is where I learned the art of SKULLING BEER,
if I remember the term correctly.
This involved piercing the bottom of an unopened can of beer
with a penknife, or a biro if you were a WUZZY,
and then placing your mouth over the hole as you pulled the tab.
The beer then spurts forth at such a rate that you end up drinking
( or wearing) the entire contents of the can in 5 seconds flat.
Which is a mercy
when you consider what Australian beer tastes like.
What's the point you may well be asking so without further ado...
THIS IS THE CRAZIEST CASINO YOU HAVE EVER SEEN!
and I have the pictures to prove it
Here I am dealing blackjack.The guy with the guitar is
one of my co workers, he is on a break and the people
who I am dealing to are singing along.
MEATLOAF. Paradise by the Dashboard Light.
Guess whose birthday it was:)
These two passengers brought me a bottle of champagne
and helped me drink it.
Then the manager sent me to bed early.
Thankyou Pete and Chuggy.
blogs. The reasons are many and varied, just as my tastes are.
A Heart's Chronicle This is the journal of a 17 year old boy
I was struck by the honesty of his personal struggle to make
sense of his everyday life.
Accidentally Vincent This and other blogs created by fans of
the actor VINCENT D’ONOFRIO are just my little indulgences.
He is my favourite actor
Late Fragments The author of this blog is a lover of smiles and
random kindness. I’m all for both.
London-Love Another VDO fan, A FANATIC EVEN :)
Mag's Ham Bun This quirky homemaker who loves knitting has
a way of writing that makes subjects I would usually find boring
kind of fun. It’s how she writes rather than what she writes.
Malnurtured Snay What can I say random happenings,
thoughts and opinions humorously presented. I love it.
Peace, love and happiness Great pics, cute quotes. I like it.
Saintnicksbytes Another journal this time an older guy
struggling, surviving, faltering, recovering.
Religious but not proletizing. A reminder of the importance
of friendship and acceptance.
Sarah's Art Blog It’s ART stupid!
Squirls Nest Some nice photos, some aimless rambling. Very bloggy.
The Hijacked Blog LOL. I just love this whole blog;
it’s funny, quirky, interesting…It’s fucking lovely!
The velocity of Vincent This is an amazing find for any VDO fan.
Trip to Somewhere Pics of OZ and china, a journal of a journey
and, for me, a trip down memory lane.
So there it is folks. Whatever it is.
If anyone reading my blog wants to join my list just shout out
and leave me a link so I can visit you.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Inside every older lady is a younger lady… wondering what the hell happened.-
But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint
A woman must do what he can't.
it comes in through the windows.
Luckily, this is not difficult.
Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Who has been kind enough to read some of my
ramblings, that the language used in recipes is
sometimes a tad confusing for the uninitiated. I have therefore
decided that it is my duty as a decent and concerned citizen
to try and explain some of the specialist terms used in cooking,
1. COQ AU VIN does not mean wine soaked penis.
2. STUFFED CHICKEN does not refer to the recent Sexual activities of your oven ready bird.
3. SEASON TO TASTE does not refer to your favorite time of year.
4. TOURNEDOS does not refer to bullfighters or whirlwinds.
5. FLAMBE is not a Spanish dance.
6. PORK SPARE RIBS are not obtained from pigs called Adam.
7. PRICK SKIN SIDE OF PORK BELLY has nothing to do with S&M.
8. TENDERIZE is not a medical condition requiring the attention of an optician.
9. GINGERBREAD is not used by homosexuals to make sandwiches.
10. SABAYON MOUSSELINE is the name of a sauce not a pop star.
11. TENDERLOIN is not a symptom of an STD.
12. SPOTTED DICK see # 11.
13. A MOUSSE is neither a reindeer nor a misspelled rodent.
14. CHOPPED NUTS are not painful...
15. PEAR TART does not mean one for each prostitute.
16. MARINADE is not a soft drink
17. TOSS GENTLY is something you do to a salad
18. SOAK OVERNIGHT is not an alcoholic houseguest.
19. BEAT VIGOROUSLY is not an auto erotic activity.
20. WHIPPED CREAM is the result of BEATING VIGOROUSLY but it is refering to a dairy product.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I thought it might be of interest to anyone who enjoyed my chicken nuggets.
Recipe of the day.
Vodka & Red Bull Fruit Cake
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar 1 tsp
salt Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and mix with a little red bull and drink.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavor with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shiz
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed. CHERRY MISTMAS _________________ Merry Christmas everybody.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Monday, March 5, 2007
BY REVISITING SOME PARTIES FROM MY PAST. THESE ARE
FROM MY CRUISESHIP DAYS. iF YOU RECOGNISE YOURSELF
LEAVE A COMMENT AND TELL ME WHO THE HELL YOU ARE:)
IF YOU AREN'T DRINKING BEER YOU CAN COKEROKE
THAT'S ME IN THE HAT
HOW MANY CROUPIERS CAN YOU FIT IN ONE SHIP'S CABIN?
THOSE ARE NOT MY KNICKERS
IS IT MY TURN TO SING?
Women over 40
For those who are anxious about aging
and those who think it will never come,
what a wonderful opportunity awaits,
but most of all those who are enjoying
the freedom of womanhood
I value women who are over 40 most of all
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will not lay next to you in bed
and ask, "What are you thinking?"
She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game,
she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do.
And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough
to be assured in who she is, what she is,
what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a damn
what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera
or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you,
if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you
to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best
Friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess
your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick
This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two,
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you
right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed,hot woman of 40+,
of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Sunday, March 4, 2007
In the black depths of the lake.
Where my body lies.
Caressed by the gentle fronds of forgetfulness
I am white and bloated,
But I do not care.
Here there are no bitter eyes,
To criticize my looks or size,
Soon I will float to the surface,
And strangers will find me.
Exclaiming with disgust at my ugliness.
But what do I care?
I am dead.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Italy has funded a study to determine why the head
on a man's penis is wider than its shaft.
The study took 2 years and cost over
180,000.000,000 lira. The results of the study concluded
that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to
provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct
their own study on the same subject. They were convinced
that the results of the Italian study were incorrect.
After three years of research and cost in excess of 250,000.000
francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider
than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, the English
decided to conduct their own study. The English didn't really trust
the Italian or French studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive
research and at a cost of approx.36 pounds, the English study came
to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is
wider than its shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting
him in the forehead
Written I hasten to add when I was young free and single.
A MAN WALKED BRIEFLY THROUGH MY LIFE
AND TRESSPASSED ON MY MIND
I CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF PARADISE
BEFORE HE TRAVELLED ON
ALTHOUGH HE DID NOT STAY FOR LONG
HIS FOOTPRINT ON MY MEMORY
BURNS ME LIKE AN IRONBRAND
THE TRESSPASSER IS GONE
Thursday, March 1, 2007
NOT TO BE READ BY PRUDES OR MINORS
(That's minors not miners)
Things are getting way too serious around here.
Time for some light hearted relief methinks.
I am trying to write a story which necessitates
some detailed descriptions of nooky.
Well you can see right there what problems I am
facing, I can’t find enough genteel euphemisms to
describe either the act itself or the body parts it
involves without sounding like Barbara Cartland.
How to be sufficiently graphic without being crude
is a real poser.
The second problem is that I seem to have an
incurable case of inappropriate alliteration.
This results in some very strange collocations which
I am convinced are unusable. For instance having
enlisted the help of a thesaurus to find appropriate
synonyms I found myself coming up with things like
Tumescent protuberance, I ask you is that any way
to describe an erect penis: It sounds more like a
I have therefore decided to throw myself on your mercy
and ask for some help in this delicate enterprise. So, I
already have …
erect, swollen, engorged throbbing
To be combined with…
Penis, manhood, member…
Any ideas people.?