Cooking Instructions Explained.

It has been brought to my attention by Malnurtured Snay,
Who has been kind enough to read some of my
ramblings, that the language used in recipes is
sometimes a tad confusing for the uninitiated. I have therefore
decided that it is my duty as a decent and concerned citizen
to try and explain some of the specialist terms used in cooking,

1. COQ AU VIN does not mean wine soaked penis.
2. STUFFED CHICKEN does not refer to the recent Sexual activities of your oven ready bird.
3. SEASON TO TASTE does not refer to your favorite time of year.
4. TOURNEDOS does not refer to bullfighters or whirlwinds.
5. FLAMBE is not a Spanish dance.
6. PORK SPARE RIBS are not obtained from pigs called Adam.
7. PRICK SKIN SIDE OF PORK BELLY has nothing to do with S&M.
8. TENDERIZE is not a medical condition requiring the attention of an optician.
9. GINGERBREAD is not used by homosexuals to make sandwiches.
10. SABAYON MOUSSELINE is the name of a sauce not a pop star.
11. TENDERLOIN is not a symptom of an STD.
12. SPOTTED DICK see # 11.
13. A MOUSSE is neither a reindeer nor a misspelled rodent.
14. CHOPPED NUTS are not painful...
15. PEAR TART does not mean one for each prostitute.
16. MARINADE is not a soft drink
17. TOSS GENTLY is something you do to a salad
18. SOAK OVERNIGHT is not an alcoholic houseguest.
19. BEAT VIGOROUSLY is not an auto erotic activity.
20. WHIPPED CREAM is the result of BEATING VIGOROUSLY but it is refering to a dairy product.

Vodka & Red Bull

My brother sent me this recipe, originally labelled as a christmas cake.
I thought it might be of interest to anyone who enjoyed my chicken nuggets.
Recipe of the day.



Vodka & Red Bull Fruit Cake

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar 1 tsp
salt Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit

Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavor with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shiz
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed. CHERRY MISTMAS _________________ Merry Christmas everybody.


Regards,
Michael.

CALLING PURPLE PLANET

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRLANE. THIS IS YOUR PRESENT:)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY
BY REVISITING SOME PARTIES FROM MY PAST. THESE ARE
FROM MY CRUISESHIP DAYS. iF YOU RECOGNISE YOURSELF
LEAVE A COMMENT AND TELL ME WHO THE HELL YOU ARE:)


IF YOU AREN'T DRINKING BEER YOU CAN COKEROKE




THAT'S ME IN THE HAT


HOW MANY CROUPIERS CAN YOU FIT IN ONE SHIP'S CABIN?

THOSE ARE NOT MY KNICKERS

VOGUE POSE



IS IT MY TURN TO SING?

GIRLFRIENDS




SECRET SANTA

GET MORE BEER!

And last but not least a few words of encouragement.

Women over 40
For those who are anxious about aging
and those who think it will never come,
what a wonderful opportunity awaits,
but most of all those who are enjoying
the freedom of womanhood

Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney

As I grow in age,
I value women who are over 40 most of all
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will not lay next to you in bed
and ask, "What are you thinking?"
She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game,
she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do.
And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough
to be assured in who she is, what she is,
what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a damn
what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera
or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you,
if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you
to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best
Friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends

because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess
your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick
This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two,

a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you
right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed,hot woman of 40+,

there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool
of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig

just to get a little sausage!!!!!

Born

I emerge into the white light of the world.
Screaming,
Angry
As if knowing what cruel fate awaits the innocent.

Soon to be disabused of my illusions
Dreams shattered.
Hopes destroyed.

Yet for now I know nothing.
But I am screaming
And angry.

Death by drowning

It is cold here,
In the black depths of the lake.
Where my body lies.
Caressed by the gentle fronds of forgetfulness

I am white and bloated,
But I do not care.
Here there are no bitter eyes,
To criticize my looks or size,

Soon I will float to the surface,
And strangers will find me.
Exclaiming with disgust at my ugliness.
But what do I care?

I am dead.

More Words on Willies

PENIS STUDY

Italy has funded a study to determine why the head
on a man's penis is wider than its shaft.
The study took 2 years and cost over
180,000.000,000 lira. The results of the study concluded
that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to
provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct
their own study on the same subject. They were convinced
that the results of the Italian study were incorrect.
After three years of research and cost in excess of 250,000.000
francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider
than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, the English
decided to conduct their own study. The English didn't really trust
the Italian or French studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive
research and at a cost of approx.36 pounds, the English study came
to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is
wider than its shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting
him in the forehead